Saturday, March 2, 2013

Fuckin' Problems


Yesterday I was a little broken. Yesterday there was an abeyance in the strength and resilience that I've been diligently been working so hard on. I felt angry. I felt hurt. Insecure. Violated. Again.

Let me back up a bit. For the past month, I've been training my body to push past the possibilities of what I previously thought capable for myself. And lately I've been getting this feeling that I can do anything. It's felt so freeing in certain moments. I can't recall ever feeling this way before in my life. I am quite certain that this may be the feeling that some people write coming of age novels about. 

But here's the thing: I work in downtown Oakland and the street harassment is bad. That's putting it gently. The street harassment around 14th & Broadway is a fucking problem. Over the last 3-4 years of living in the Bay Area, I've had a few incidents with physical assault and street harassment has become normalized for me. I've been working on this running thing so diligently lately, and my body has really been rewarding me for it. But in this time where you would think I feel like I have the most control over my body, I'm experiencing more street harassment and assault than ever before. If you're not picking up what I'm putting down, what I'm saying is that as I've lost weight and slimmed down, people have been grabbing at me more. And I'm so. fucking. sick. of. it. WHY do people think that ME, that MY BODY, is theirs to take? It's so fucked up and it just makes me livid. It makes me feel hollow. 

What's even more messed up is that this is always something that is extremely fucked up; it's just that I'm only now getting this outraged about it because I'm finally taking control of my body. I'm tired of people, usually men, thinking that my body is theirs to consume. Visually, physically, sexually. It's exhausting.

Yesterday I felt like everybody just wanted to TAKE things from me. And I seriously could not handle it. I just felt like crying. I feel like crying just thinking about it now. I feel like my autonomy is slipping away from me and it hurts because I'm working so hard to be in control of it in every other way. So far the only effective way to defend myself has come down to physically striking someone, and while it was necessary, that deeply, deeply saddens me.

I am grateful to my body and I am in awe of what it allows me to do. I want to honor my body and treat it with respect. I just wish others would, too.
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