you are not entitled

to my thoughts
to my energy
to my time
to my attention
to me
or to any part of me.

just as i am not entitled to any part of you.
those are choices that each of us makes
how fortuitous if our decisions should align somewhere along the way.

Baltimore

I met my pen pal, Chad, this week! 

We have been writing for about a year now, and our letters have been thoughtful and sincere since the beginning. It was an easy decision to make to come visit once I knew that I would be in DC for a work trip, though the planning and execution took longer than it usually might. I ended up staying in Baltimore for four nights. I knew what Chad looked like from some photos, but had no idea what his voice sounded like, how he carried himself, style of dress, or the gait of his walk. So many things that you never realize fill in the crevices of what can help characterize a person you interact with on a daily basis. 

Our letters from the past year, side by side.

Just taking in each other's physical presence was really surreal! But other than that, it was basically meeting one of my best friends for the first time. He took me all around Baltimore--we ate lots of food and I saw Hopkins (all that brick!). Basically every day we went to at least two book stores and/or libraries and spent a couple hours reading and writing. It was amazing to have that sort of companionship, and to be able to enjoy hours of silence just reading or journaling in the same space.

We walked miles and miles and miles. It was such a luxury to be able to say whatever was on my mind, and to ask things and receive such an immediate response (really, anything is faster than waiting for a written response via post). It was also so, so nice to get to know each other's sense of humor in a way that was never conveyed through our letters! The more candid things, the way inflection in voice changes, the laugh.

In this moment, words feel like they are simultaneously everything and nothing. Because for the past year, I have exchanged correspondence with this person and through this process, words were all we had. But I also feel like my words cannot fully explain the depth of what I feel and how wonderful this has been.

I'm struggling to write a more personal update than this on a public forum--I think that sort of thought process and documentation is reserved for my journal and, of course, letters. I'm lucky I had work to launch myself into this week, otherwise I would have been even more sad and less preoccupied at our parting.

“Now begin in the middle, and later learn the beginning; the end will take care of itself. ”

― Dathan Auerbach

In 2013 I...

started writing letters

ran a marathon relay

took time off for self care and celebrated my birthday

went on dates

gave love another shot (and what a shot it was)

rediscovered the library and started reading more

went to Hawai'i to visit friends and do other fun and exciting things

started going to shows regularly again

got a bike

and of course, continued to love on this little dude

Lots more to come in 2014! 

Cray Area Dating

Shout out to the souls from OKC who are currently reading this. 

Dating is cray. Dating in the Bay Area is CRAY.

Not only do you have to navigate the normal who-pays-the-check stuff, but there's a bunch of other stuff that comes up more often than you would think.

You may be surprised. In the little less than a year that I have been dating in this area, I've found myself thinking and asking questions that didn't used to come up like this in years past. Is he polyamorous?  He probably works at a start up. Have I seen him on OKCupid? I've definitely seen him on OKCupid. He's allergic to cats? (.. this would never work out) Oh. He lives on the other side of the bay? I'm just not into long distance relationships. Do you think he's a burner? What if he likes Ayn Rand?

ANYWAY, I developed some dating best practices for myself that I thought I'd share (because obviously, you're on the internet and interested in reading about this, duh). A few things about this post:

• This is just what I found myself doing after a while, and not a statement on what people should actually be doing. 
• This is also reflective of when I was dating A LOT. Like, to the point where I'd schedule dates with people via doodle. 
• I just read Mindy Kaling's book and it made me feel like I'm allowed to write in as casual, grammatically not-correct manner as I please. This is exacerbated by the fact that I grew up kind of near the valley, so.. right, here we go. 
• If you don't talk to me often, or have never talked to me ever, this post will possibly just read ridiculously to you. I mean, it might still seem ridiculous regardless. I'm okay with that. 

On Dating:

Rule #1: I don't give out my phone number. At first. I give my email address first. And it's not my personal email address, or even my junk email address-- I actually have an email address just for dating stuff. Once I've kind of screened them a little bit, I'd give them a phone number. But even then..

Rule #2: I don't give out my real phone number. Get a Google Voice number and forward that ish to your phone! I don't really like to give my phone number out because what if you give your number to one of those dudes who always wants to text you? That's some level 2 attachment right there. Or like, what if the dude ends up being legitimately creepy? So anyway, that's why there is usually a couple layers of contact info before you actually get my real phone number. Once THAT happens, I fucking pray that they have an iPhone so I can speak to them in my native tongue (emoji, duh).

Rule #3: First dates are under $10. I love this rule and there are several reasons for it. One, if you're doing a sub $10 date, you're probably not going to a sit down dinner somewhere, which is great because that would mean that you're committing yourself to at least 90 minutes of a potentially bad time, and who has time for that? Not me. I have a subscription to 3 media streaming services and a DVR full of shows and movies that aren't going to watch themselves. A sub $10 date means meeting for a drink, coffee, or some froyo. Also, while I'm comfortable paying for myself on a date, you know what's the best thing ever? Not being uncomfortable. So when it comes time to pay, and we're doing the check dance (there's usually at least a round), if the guy is really insistent on paying, I smile and say thank you. And then I don't feel bad because it was less than $10 and not some expensive dinner. If the date is going well, or even I think the person is cool and want to talk to them more, the option to walk around and chat more is always there.

Rule #4: Schedule dates close to BART. It allows for a quick getaway if necessary. That and if it's close by, it's always nicer not to have to walk far by myself when it's dark. Or if it's somewhere in the East Bay that's not close to BART, I'll drive. But who am I kidding? I always ended up meeting guys who lived in SF, and anyone who knows anyone in SF knows that they never want to cross the bay. You would think you suggested that they swim across the bay. I always have appreciation for the rare unicorns that treat coming out to the East Bay like it's no big deal.


I know it sounds like I've built these rules because I'm paranoid, or so that I can easily escape any situation, and that's because those things are true. Dating is essentially meeting strangers whom I don't know much about, and until I can vet their character and decide if I want to spend more time with them, I'll stick to my rules.


Anyway, that's all for now. It's been a couple months since I've used any of these trusty guidelines because as luck would have it, I ended up meeting a really wonderful person at Barcraft of all places. He is totally awesome and he has TWO cats. I broke a few of my rules with him.

The Art of Written Correspondence

The best decision I've made this year is to stop watching TV and to start writing letters. It's taken me a little while to try some different things out, but I think I've finally gotten the hang of it. Over the past couple months, I've quite romanticized the written word and as such, I've become more and more enamored with different elements of the process.  

The ritual of receiving. On days that I find letters in my mailbox, I put on a kettle of hot water and

make a big mug of tea before sitting down at my desk (I finally procured the perfect writing desk and I am absolutely smitten with it). I log my letters in my letter ledger, pick which stationery to reply with, and respond away (usually with my extra-fine nib Lamy Safari fountain pen). 

The patience of paper. I like that I can take as much time as I need to articulate my thoughts in the perfect way. It's something that can't quite be recreated in a conversation. I can unapologetically take a break from writing a letter and divert my attention elsewhere, or simply decide to pick it up the next day. And maybe not perfect, but in a way that feels good. Even with hand writing vs typing.. there is something about the way new thoughts fill the space that's left when my pen is physically catching up with my previous thought.  I think in a different tone, my voice changes, and suddenly I have a slightly different perspective on the world. 

Letter Ledger from paperandtype.com

Word search on the back of an envelope (i.e.: I'm awesome)

The physical manifestation of a letter. When you send someone a letter, everything about the way they receive your words has been crafted by you. The paper you write on, the envelope you send it in, the pen and ink you use, the way you address the letter, the return label, the stamp you choose, as well as any other adornments you choose to add-- it's all so personal. Add to that the fact that this little paper parcel is then hand/truck/plane couriered to their door, and then eventually carried into their home. They hold the paper that you held and poured your time and ink into. They read the words that you wrote just for them, in your hand. For a few minutes, traveling across the country is almost as easy as folding a map, or in this case, unfolding a letter.
I know what you're thinking.. I was going for an alliteration in the heading of this paragraph but it didn't happen-- sorry!

I have a handful of pen pals, a few of which I have known in person for years and wanted to stay in touch with or become reacquainted with, and a few of which I have never met. I have yet to have a bad day where receiving a letter did not instantly cheer me up. The most surprising experience for me so far has been realizing that I do consider a couple of my pen pals that I have never even met my actual friends. When I have certain things that come up in my life or am going through challenges, I want to consult them and get their feedback, and when things aren't going that great on their end, I become alarmingly concerned. That's not to say that it's the same as knowing someone in person; it's definitely different. But it's also wonderful and totally rewarding. It's a type of relationship I never would have considered investing so much of myself in before. 

I recently purchased an eight volume set of Abe Lincoln's correspondences (I know..). Now he was a seriously good letter-writer. I have some work to do to get on that level (and admittedly, I need to work on my penmanship).

"Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company"

-Lord Byron

XXIV

I turned 24 recently. My mom came up to visit me and it was also Easter weekend, so there was lots of family and good food. We goofed around a bit:

We went to Muir Woods. It was beautiful and at points I ran when I expected to hike.

In celebration of my birthday, I gave myself a week with myself. I took the entire week off work and did things that I've often told myself that I don't have enough time to do.

I went to the deYoung and SF MOMA.
I went to the Conservatory of Flowers.
One day, I ended up at the beach.
A couple days I hung out with friends, but mostly I spent time by myself.
I had one great night celebrating with my neighbors.
I spent time hanging out with my cat. We took good naps together. He was sweet to me.
I read. I wrote many letters. I rode a lot of public transit.
I went running. I went climbing. I got lost.
I met someone.

I needed this week. Self care is so hard sometimes. Most of the time it's just so difficult for me to realize that being good to yourself is a necessity and not just a luxury. It's been so embedded into my mind that you're only working hard if you're stressed out and miserable, but that's really not sustainable at all and does no one any good. It was a good reminder to be kind to myself. 

I'm really happy about this birthday. I don't know why. I never really felt 23; it always felt like an odd in-between age. But this is the happiest and most sure of myself I have ever felt, so I'm ready to run with it. 

Here's to twenty-four!

A Dream: in Yellow

I'm lying in bed and running my fingers over the curves of my partner's brow and cheek. I drink in his gaze as the sun creeps into our sheets. I bury my laugh in the crook of his shoulder and catch my smile against his neck. His stubble scratches my nose and he buries his face in my nest of hair. I am so lucky to share in this whispered intimacy. It doesn't need to be forever. It is enough that it is at all. 

On Being Alone

I'm not sure when it happened, or if it has always been this way. For having been in my head for twenty-something years, I sure can talk a lot about how I know nothing at all when it comes to why I am the way that I am. But I think it's time to accept this fact: I am a solitary creature.

I am used to having friends that come from a lot of different social circles and sometimes I spend time with people who are so enveloped in one group of friends that it just boggles my mind a bit. And for the brief snippet of my life that I'm spending with them, I feel that I am a part of something so different than what I am used to. A reliable safety net for what you're going to do at any given time. When you get off work, you don't ask them if they want to hang out, but rather, what do they want to do when you hang out-- because the aforementioned hanging out is assumed as a baseline. Just thinking about that feels so warm and inviting. Unconditional love. No matter how much we've already been seeing each other, we still want to see each other more. 

Cat roomie being a sweetheart for once in his life

Obviously this could be problematic, but discussing that is kind of pointless since I can barely wrap my mind around the initial concept to begin with. It's difficult because I operate in such a different way. My time is very much my own. It's probably how I managed to be in a long distance relationship for three years. Just yesterday, N had to witness me make the realization that as an adult, I've never been in a relationship with someone who I saw on a regular basis/lived near me (it wasn't pretty). I don't have one set group of friends that are my default go-to buddies. I remember being very social all throughout school.. but now all of a sudden, I live by myself in a studio apartment! Well, that's half true. I have the cat-roomie (though I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse). In any case, that's how I live, and I think that's how I like it.. for the most part.


Anyway, a few reflections:
1. Making friends is hard. How do you people meet other people?!  I spend 8 hours a day in my office. When I get home, I might have to work out and then make dinner. And then it's 8PM. What if I have to do laundry or some other menial life task? How do people have time to meet people? And like.. you gotta leave your house to meet people! And then even when you have time AND leave your house, you need to get the nerve to talk to strangers?! I know a couple people who have this insane gift of being able to make friends with anyone. My mother is one of these people. We could be in line to check out at the grocery store, and by the time I come back with the milk we forgot, she's best friends with the cashier and talking to them about where their kid is going to college. For a long time I thought you just had to have an open heart, but I'm starting to think you have to just not be afraid of rejection-- and just start talking. I'm working up to it, but I'm scared.

2. Keeping friends takes work. After a lot of thought about making new friends, I realized that I sure don't spend enough time keeping in touch with the ones I already have. So what if they don't live nearby? It's definitely been an investment of my time and attention, but it's made my life richer, and I think it's made me happier. I think this type of relationship building vibes with my independence though because as much as I feel like these are real relationships, I'm still not actually spending time with these people (don't worry though-- I totally would if I could). People are probably getting annoyed with pictures of my cat and updates about my dating life though. Sorry 'bout it (hah, not really).

3. I think I like being a solitary creature. I like not having to answer to anyone else, or having to plan my life around others. I think I struggled with figuring out whether I'm introverted or extroverted for so long because I didn't know if I got re-energized from being alone or with people-- because I am alone so often. It's probably the reason I live with another solitary creature. Today I went on a lovely run, then stopped by my favorite bookstore and perused at my leisure, and then strolled over to the farmer's market to grab a bite. I didn't have to work with anyone else's timeline, be concerned with what anyone else felt like eating, or worry about if I was taking too long at the book store. I hate making people wait, or really inconveniencing them in any way. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is for right now.

4. But I wouldn't say no to companionship. Last night instead of going out to dinner with a new friend, I spent my evening reading The Little Prince and drinking a big mug of tea while wrapped in a blanket burrito. It's something I do everyone once in a while and it always resets my perspective on friendship and what it means to build those special fox/rose relationships. And of course, being anywhere within a five block radius of Lake Merritt or the farmer's market, there are people walking around the sparkly lake in the sunshine with their partners and dogs and organic vegetables, further romanticizing this idea (yes, you read that right-- I romanticize fresh produce). It seems like it would be so, so wonderful to have that kind of relationship(s?). I'm intentionally not making a disctinction between whether I mean this in a romantic or platonic way, because I'm not sure if I know. That level of companionship doesn't exist for me in any form and sometimes that makes me really sad. 

"But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others." - excerpt from The Little Prince 

There's still some more thinking to do around this, but then again, I suspect that this will be something that never ends.